I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*