I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
You Might Also Like
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
oh you wanna fight?!
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.