5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
You Might Also Like
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this