What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Oh my god
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people