This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
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*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Cheers Twitter.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Today’s Times
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?