my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You Might Also Like
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
May have had one breakfast too many