One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Godspeed, John Glenn
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.