Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.