my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Body by sandwich.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Close call…
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.