Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
😬
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Yes, but it was never about money
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw