If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.