me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS