“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
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I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Brb my Sims are getting married
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom