Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
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“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Why am I like this?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating