Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
synchronized noseblowing
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.