Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
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I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
i spent way too long on this
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!