[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.