Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Oops
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m just playing devils avocado here
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Support your local cemetery
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’