Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
5 ways to appear taller
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.