Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You Might Also Like
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
2 years later
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP