wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.