Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
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When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
There is no “we” in pizza
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
figuring out my emotional availability:
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Finally
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video