We have a winner.
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me checking my bank balance online.
Basketball
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“Sheer Arrogance”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*