I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”