My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
You Might Also Like
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.