Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
You Might Also Like
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Science memes
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”