Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
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[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Bike for sale
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.