[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”