I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.