Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.