There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
#NeverForget
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
#gardening
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.