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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese