I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”