[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”