My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.