Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew