constantly working on myself.
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.