My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
6. me as a lawyer
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?