*puts cutlery down*
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me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
🔦🌙👣
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.