[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
You Might Also Like
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.