Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”