I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
me after eating Cheetos
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?