My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
You Might Also Like
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
True
Beware…..
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.