I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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the noise i just made
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.