How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by