I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
you will never know the true number of layers
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!