“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
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OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
This is true.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.