wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Shower sex be like:
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.