Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear