Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
This week’s mood.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together